April Fools! Not!

So today I am starting to feel a little better, the brain fog is lifting and I felt like I should write today. Some days when I'm having a fairly good day and I can remember what life was like before Chronic Fatigue, before the random joint and muscle pain, before my body would feel like lead. Sometimes I wish that CFS was just a joke that my body was playing on me and that one day I'll just snap out of it, but that's not the case. I continue to search for improvements that I can make to my health. It is all the more important to eat right, live as stress free as possible, do gentle exercise and learn to cope. In a fast passed world where its so important to be accomplished and do as much as possible it is even harder to take care of myself. I moved to a big city 8 months ago with lofty ambitions of starting my life over. I left a long term relationship that I felt was toxic to me, I changed careers to something that should be less stressful, and I moved in with a friend and her family. Granted I do well with change, really well, but what was I thinking? There has been a lot of adjustments including a increase in restrictions to my diet. This past winter was one of my worst seasons for my health and that took a toll on my mental health. My muscles felt like they were on fire, it made it hard to move. My brain felt like pea soup and all the connections and reconnections I was making with people dropped off. I stayed home a lot and very few people contacted me. I felt very alone. I was used to feeling alone with this, but this winter really sucked. This being said my belief in what I was doing in my new career path and my choice to leave my old life behind never faltered, ever. I knew had made the right decision, and I still believe this. I was just going about things in not the easiest way. I joke with my sister that we are very stubborn and seem to like to do things the hard way. WHY? Why do things the hard way if there is an easier way? Not that I want to coast by in life, but life is hard enough living with a chronic illness. Why not try to find people that have gone through similar things and been successful? and learn from them.
It is all the more important to take care of my health and eat properly, all of these things go hand in hand and it is so much harder in a busy city but I will succeed because I have too much to do in this world to help people and make a difference, just need to find the right people to help me along the way.  

So what's new in life?

I would like to share a Facebook post then explain a little of the many changes I've undertaken in my life in the persuit of a healthier, happier life. Please forgive my typos part of my condition makes it difficult for me to think completely clearly and I hope as I write more this will get better, after all to get great muscles we must excerise them.

 "Well 2012 was a year of change and my old world did end. I turned 30, I ended a relationship that no longer made me happy, I moved cities and changed careers. I am grateful for the people that have remained in my life and for all the new people I have met. I am grateful for old friends that have come back into my life and what I have now. And yes I am grateful for how difficult this year has been because 2013 can only get better and I will appreciate every good moment. Happy New Year everyone and stay safe."


So I have now turned 31 and winter has not been kind to me health wise and I was feeling quite down for a while. I decided to pick myself up and dust myself off, I am strong, I am a fighter. The problem with being strong and being a fighter is that people think you don't need anyone to lean on and not only that but people who are not as strong can be intimidated by this strength. People who don't have the courage to change things that they fundamentally dislike about their lives, who ignore the problems, begin to have to face them when confronted with someone who has made radical changes in their live's. I do not talk about this to talk down about people, change is scary it can be hard to face change, and sometimes people just are not ready. Sometimes people have been so let down in life that the changes needed may not seen worth the effort because after all "it's not going to work out anyway so why try?"

I've made many changes in the persuit of being healthier, happier. I think we forget how much our happiness affects our health and vice versa. One of the biggest changes I made physically was to radically change my diet. My sister described me as a carbivore. I ate bread, pasta, baked goods, etc. like that was the only food available. She had been trying to get me to change my diet for years, Gluten intolerance runs in the family as well as diabetes, lactose intolerance, and other food issues. I refused to accept that these foods might be problematic, especially wheat. 

In January of 2011 I woke up not feeling quite right. Within half an hour I was curled up in the fetal position ready to pass out. When the pain had subsided enough I looked up my symptoms on the internet, damn stubborn I am, and decided that I needed to go to the ER. Now. Problem was my boyfriend (ex boyfriend, more on that later) had the car (not that I could drive at that point) and was at work, and I hardly knew anyone in Red Deer to even ask to drive me. At any rate I made it and after several hours it was determined that I had kidney stones, joy. They sent me home with drugs and I eventually passed about 7 stones total. Well a month and a half later I was struck again with the same horrible pain and went to the ER again. This time I was in all day and they decided to send me home with the IV still in my hand and was told to come back the next morning. Well that night after not eating all day was home alone and eventually decided to eat. I made my way to the kitchen and nearly passed out when a wave of pain hit, I had to sit on the floor. I contacted my boyfriend urging him to get home as soon as possible. Hours went by, went he eventually came home he was drunk as a skunk, to the point I had to help him after he fell over into the bath tub, all while I still had an IV in my hand and in severe pain. I went back to the hospital then next day.After two days of being pretty much alone, hopped up on morphine they offered me surgery. My stubborness kicked in again and I said no thank you, pretty silly at least I would have been taken care of at the hospital, I went home and passed the stone on my own.

So now it was almost Easter and my sister sent me a link on what food intolerance especially gluten sensitivity does to the body. The chronic inflammation causes all sorts of problems in different systems of the body, so even if you don't feel bad the inflammation is wreaking havok. It was time to make a change. I began by taking out wheat, big surprise little support at home on this. After two weeks we rushed out to meet his family for dinner, completely forgetting we ordered pizza and ate it. Oh my was I sick. Severe stomach cramps, nausea, and my bowls were beginning to feel really unhappy. OK wheat was definately a problem. From there corn, eggs, potato, tomato, and rice all became problems leading me to now eat Paleo for Auto immune. I will go more into this another time. For now all I can say is in some ways I feel better, I don't have digestive issues at all anymore unless I accidentally eat something that I shouldn't.
Signing off for now. Stay Positive and stay Healthy people.  

Long time no write

So I lost touch with writing for so many reasons and have been thinking alot about writing again, more for me than anyone else. So here I am. To ease myself back in I would like to share a poem that I recently wrote. I've been having many bad days lately and rather than continue to keep my emotions and frustrations inside where they were eating away at my joy I chose to write and get it out.

I hope this helps others, if not I know it helped me.



 Ghost

I feel like a ghost

Not quite living yet not quite dead

A shell of the person I used to be

A shell of the person that can never completely return

On my best days you get an idea of the person I used to be even though

I’m not whole

On my average days you may get a glimpse, you may be touched, but you

May not see me

On my bad days, you may not even know I am there

I am a ghost

I wish to return to the living

Some days I may even wish to join the

Dead

I mourn

I mourn who I know I am that I cannot always show

I mourn for the life I know I deserve

I mourn for the many more lives I could have touched, instead to choose between helping a few and not living for myself

Or

Try to live for myself but not be true at all

I am a ghost for I refuse to give up

I refuse to be a living corpse

My spirit refuses to let my death go unnoticed

My spirit seeks a path back to the

Living

My spirit seeks peace without being merely a shell

My soul seeks to live for me and not just for others

My soul seeks to live for immortality

For the long lasting effects I will have on others

For the positive energy I will pass on

So I will fight

The ghost that I am will not go unnoticed

The ghost that I am will be more whole than many of the living

The ghost that I am will know more about life and how to appreciate it than many of the living

Yes I will continue to fight

Yes I will continue to seek a path to life

I will not give up